Ephraim's Improvised Interactive Fiction Thread

Went North

Kai Hitaro, Player Purple Has logged in.

Colin:
You are in a cave. It's very dark in here, and you can't see a wall in the back...venturing further north could be really dangerous without a light source, seeing as the light from the south exit isn't helping much.

There is a brazier on the wall. The torch kind, not the pervert kind.
There is a hole in the wall.

NARFNra:
You are further north in the cave. Your lamp lights the way for you. You can go north or south.

There is a brazier on the wall. The torch kind, not the pervert kind.

Kai Hitaro:
You are Kai Hitaro. You are wearing purple clothes. You also have an ever-so-popular inventory, which comes with 3 hearts, all for 1,000,000 gold coins. Thank you for your purchase. Also, the almighty ones have granted you a (wooden) sword to cut your own path. You thought I was going to do it all for you?

You are in an armory in a nondescript town. The door leads outside, to the west. The shopkeeper steps up to the counter and introduces you to the shop. "Just pick what you want...I'll handle the coins."
Items available at this shop:
Wooden Stick (1 bronze) Don't even think about it.
Wooden shield (40 silver) You expect to block something with this?
Wooden sword (60 silver) Cheapest sword ever. Bleh
Wooden bow (20 sliver) Made by a small child in art class.
Wooden arrows (5 silver for 10) Geez, no wonder there are no trees in the village.
Wooden Staff (5 silver) A slightly bigger stick.
Wooden spear (10 silver) I guess you could play pole vault with it.
Game manual (9999 silver) The enclosed instruction book.

There appears to be a commotion outside.

Without money, the only logical option would be...

>Check Commotion

Walking over the the Brazier, NARF took it, ripped it off the wall, and hid it in the inventory. "Mweheheh, it's cave continuin' time!" cried he, proceeding to tromp down the passageway to the north.

Cheater walked up to the braizer and grabbed it (is the braizer lit?). Cheater looked around and saw the hole in the wall. He walked up to it and...

I am annoyed by the smug look on one of the guard's faces, so I convince the other ugly guard that he'd been sleeping with his wife so I have a clear path to the armoury and can equip myself for free, while the guards are fighting I steal something one of them left against a wall, then I take the path to the Armoury unseen by the guards.

Kai Hitaro:
I don't know the word "commotion". Let's assume you go west.

You walk outside the shop and see Rebel Yell fighting 3 bandits. Actually, that's inaccurate. He's fighting 2 bandits but the first one is hiding behind the other two like a pansy. They haven't noticed you yet. What wouldst thou do?

Neither brazier is lit, by the way.

NARFNra
From here you can go south to where you just were or go east.

With your lamp lit, you can see a chest.

Your lamp begins to flicker slightly. Maybe it needs an oil change. Now, I'm debating whether I should tell you where the lamp oil is. Know what? I'll give you a hint: It's on your person at this very moment.

Colin
There's a small hole where the brazier was, so you can put it back if need be. The hole in the wall you searched contains 5 matches.

Threadnaught
Oh come on, the guards might be stupid but they're not THAT stupid. The guards don't start killing each other but there are keeping a close eye on one another and ignoring everything else. And why do you need to do this? It's not like going to an armory and buying a weapon is illegal.

Cheater grabbed the matches. He lit one and placed the small fire against the braizer. The braizer instantly lit up, illuminating the cave. No longer fearing the darkness, Cheater pressed north.

I curse my days playing RPGs that aren't Final Fantasy, where the word Armoury, refers to a place where weapons are kept and not sold, thankfully I still have the item I stole from the guards, I must get them to fight eachother if I'm to get away with my crime, maybe if I'm lucky the smug one would have gained a status effect in his time and I'll be able to convince him it was gained from his coworker's wife.

If it works I'll be able to get away, I'll head toward the castle to try some more tricks, if I fail I'd have to run south and out of town to escape them, I'd be lucky to get out with a single heart.

If that happens I'd never be able to rip on the narrator.

Noticing the commotion, the only clear option to Kai would be to help out.

>Attack Pansy Bandit

Colin:
Oh look, more cave. Hey, is that a chest on the ground? Oh poo. It's locked. A locked chest? Those crafty bastards! You can go south to where you just were or west.

Threadnaught:
While talking to the guard you managed to steal his sack, which contains a medical herb and a strange, gold card with the word "swordfish" written on it. Herbs restore 1 heart. As for the card...I guess, show it to someone and see what happens? I'm making it up as I go, after all.

Also, you haven't moved from your current location. As stated before, you can go north, south, east to the armory or west to the general store.

Kai Hitaro:
You hit the fattest and ugliest of the bandits square in the forehead. "Dammit not another one!" he cries. "You stupid idiot mooks! Get over here!" Unfortunately the mooks are pre-occupied with Rebel Yell. The boss has no choice but to attack you himself. He takes a swing, and by some divine prank (lol) manages to hit you. You're not dead yet, though. What now?

Kai winced, wondering how he was unable to dodge that. Didn't matter though, he still had a sword. He repeats the last move, knowing he'll be closer to killing the boss.

>Attack Boss

Cheater looked down at the chest. He raised his right foot above the chest and stomped on the chest as hard as he could.

I sigh as instead of sneaking off to the castle I enter the phonebooth and push the numbers spelling out "swordfish" with the letters on each key, hoping that I had the wrong genre savvyness, hopefully this isn't the code that turns the phone booth into a suicide booth.

I am hoping it allows some form of transportation between other phone booths, however unrealistic the whole idea is.

Kai Hitaro
You hit the ugly sack of crap's arm, causing him to drop his weapon. No, people don't die in this game. This is family entertainment, not GTA. He also drops his heart...container.

One of the two bandits fighting Rebel Yell takes notice that you've disarmed his boss, readies his weapon and approaches you.

Colin:
You seriously thought kicking the chest would somehow pop it open? It's kind of LOCKED you know. Find a key, lazy.

Threadnaught
Congratulations, you just discovered a secret code that you can use for free on the phone booth. You pick up the receiver and hear a voice that says, "Shhh...heehee...this is a secret shop! Since you found out about the shop, looks like I have to spill our secret location...sigh. People just don't know how to find us these days. Anyways. Show the card to the general store owner. She'll show you the way. Oh, and you have money right? You need money to buy stuff. Duh. Bye!" Click. You hand up and notice a gold coin (worth a whopping 20 silver) on the ground inside the phone booth.

Cheater gave another kick before heading west.

A couple of commands come to mind, but Kai decides that the best action is always the simple actions. He hurriedly performs them to the best of his ability.

>Get Heart_Container
>Get Steel_Axe
>Attack Bandit

I pick up the gold coin (Sovereign?) and try pickpocketing the phone booth to increase my level (there is an experience system in this right?) at least I hope I can level up, then at least I won't be as weak as any other unfortunate individuals who decided to play this game.

I imagine the Infinity Plus One Sword in front of me and take it out of the air, hopefully it's somehow real and I can kill anything vulnerable to pain in a single hit, I walk toward the castle with the sword so light it feels like I'm not carrying anything at all, or maybe I'm crazy and I really aren't carrying anything, who knows maybe I'll try to start a fight and look like a crazy person.

Chicken was about to do something stupid, had not this unknown person in purple distracted the two bandits by disarming their boss somehow. Not one to feel left out in doing crazy shit, Rebel proceeded to chase after one of the bandit cohorts and take a leap at him! He had hoped to latch onto his back and deliver some blunt force trauma to the big guy's head with a whack or two from his cheap wooden sword. Chicken yelled something incomprehensible as he jumped; but who cares! It sounded awesome!

Threadnaught:
You're...pickpocketing the phone booth.

You're pickpocketing...the phone booth.

Well, I have good news for you: Someone seems to have stuck a lockpick in the phone booth. Take that if you want. Bleh.

Kai Hitaro:
What do you want to attack the bandit with? You have two weapons now, you know.

Rebel Yell:
You hit the bandit with blunt force trauma or whatever it was you said. He counters and manages to hit you this time. OOMPH! POW! SMASH!

Recap:
Bandit A: 1/2 Hearts, Steel Axe
Bandit B: 2/2 Hearts, Steel Axe
Rebel: 1.5/3 Hearts
Kai: 2.5/4 Hearts

Colin:
Nothing much in this room. The exit is east.

There is a spider on the north wall. It mocks you.

Kai points out that he never equipped the inaccurate Axe, and waits for the effect of his attack to take place.

Cheater saw the light at the end of the cave. He was about to snuff out the braizer, however, his eyes caught the mocking spider. Annoyed, Cheater took the braizer and placed the fire as close to the spider as he could. "Burn! HAHAHA! BURN!!"

Thrown onto the ground by the Bandit, Chicken sustained serious damage from the impact as he landed hard on his wooden shield, cracking it somewhat. Figuring he might die anyway, he might as well go down fighting! Raising his cracked shield, Rebel thrusted himself at the Bandit! Bashing his shield against the Bandit's stomach, to which he followed up with another smack from his sword. Afterwards Chicken stood still, holding his injured arm and panting heavily; waiting for either his finishing blow or a chance to retaliate further.

Kai Hitaro:
Fine, then. You hit the bandit, blah blah blah, he actually misses you because bandits are idiots, etc. etc.

Rebel Yell:
You hit the bandit one last time. He drops his Steel axe. You notice he has 23 silver coins on him that he stole from the phone booth that you also stole from. Asshole. Anyways, there's only one of them left. He seems to be occupied with someone else.

Colin:
As the spider regrets his existence, the entire north wall burns away as well! Seems it was a wooden wall, not stone or dirt. You can go north now.

Kai wanted to get the battle over with so that he could get all the spoils.

>Attack Bandit

Kai Hitaro:
You stab the last bandit in an...uncomfortable place. He drops his weapon. Congratulations, you knocked out all three of them. You want a freakin' medal?

All three bandits pull their pants up and flee, swearing revenge on everything made of wood. The villagers applaud your victory. One of the villagers thanks you for the assistance and gives you 100 silver coins. Then he turns to Rebel Yell and says, "That'll make up for ruining our phone booth. Asshole." The village more or less goes back to normal after that.

>Get Steel Axe
>Get 23 Silver Coins (from Rebel's Kill)

Yes, I know I'm a loot whore. But I'm leaving an axe for Rebel. Now where's the armory?

To the east. There's also a general store to the west. From where you're standing, anyways. I mean if you were south of here I'd have to say "Northwest 3d" or something.

Cheater looked at the new opening. I guess his pyro maniac nature came into good use. With a still lit braizer and a few good matches left, Cheater headed north.

Kai went East to the general Store. He was pretty sure that it was where he'd spawned, but he didn't need to be carrying around 2 Steel Axes


>Go East

I take the Lockpick then I walk to the south and out of the town, hoping the crappy drawbridge hasn't already collapsed under the weight of an anorexic sparrow.

Colin:
You can see exits in all directions here.

You can see a light coming from the west.

Kai:
You are in an armory. The shopkeeper steps up to the counter and introduces you to the shop. "Just pick what you want...I'll handle the coins."
Items available at this shop:
Wooden Stick (1 bronze) Don't even think about it.
Wooden shield (40 silver) You expect to block something with this?
Wooden sword (60 silver) Cheapest sword ever. Bleh
Wooden bow (20 sliver) Made by a small child in art class.
Wooden arrows (5 silver for 10) Geez, no wonder there are no trees in the village.
Wooden Staff (5 silver) A slightly bigger stick.
Wooden spear (10 silver) I guess you could play pole vault with it.
Game manual (9999 silver) The enclosed instruction book.

Threadnaught:
You are in the entrance to town. The drawbridge is down, so you can go south. The general store is west. The armory is east.

>Sell Steel Axe
>Sell Steel Axe
>Check Inventory

Concluding that, since this is an oil based lamp, it contains fire, NARF proceeds to stab the torch into the chest, opens it, pulls out whatever's inside without looking too closely and smacks it with the lamp, setting it on fire.

"Makeshift torch GO!" Cried he as he twirled the burning chest. Wait, what was he holding?, He thought as he turned to look at the thing in his hands.

Cheater continued North.

I decide "what the heck" this isn't a standard videogame where Pickpocketing Targets are limted only to NPCs, it's not as strict as one of those, I did afterall manage to rob a phone booth, so I wonder of I can get anything from the drawbridge, so far all weapons and armour seem to consist of wood, the Drawbridge is made of wood, so I put two and two together and start... No I don't rip up the Drawbridge, you think I'm crazy or something?

I try Pickpocketing it hoping I'll find something good.

Kai Hitaro:
You earn a total of 120 silver coins for your sold goods. Check your inventory by reading the top post.

NARFNra:
You burn the chest. Unfortunately, there was lamp oil in the box you're holding, which causes it to violently burn and explode. The map inside the chest has also burned to ash. Nice job, idiot.

You have died.

See, it's best to look in the box before setting it on fire. Or maybe just don't set it on fire at all next time.

You respawn in a cave. Erm, that's really all there is to this cave, to be honest. The exit is south. You can also go north.

There is a desk here.

Colin:
You can go west or south to where you were. You may think I'm being lazy about sticking items in places, but guess what? I am.

There is a bronze coin latched in the wall.

Threadnaught:
You pickpocket the bridge and find a silver coin in the moldy, damp, underside of the bridge.

...

That's gross. That's not even funny. Who the hell do you think is reading this?

Taking the Silver Coin I wonder how far I can take the Pickpocketing Ability, I also wonder exactly how the Ability works.

So I decide to Pickpocket myself.

>Buy Wooden Shield
>Equip Wooden Shield
>Go West

Feeling skeptic from the last time Cheater "found" a bronze coin, he didn't want to risk another random hit on the head. However, Cheater did need money and a bronze coin would be nice to have. He walked up to the coin and grabbed it.

(If the bronze coin has no importance, then Cheater will move west. If it is special, then I'll wait to see what happens.)

Kai Hitaro:
You are in the center of town.

There is a water fountain here.
There is a Steel Axe here.
Rebel Yell is (still) here.

Threadnaught:
You decide to pickpocket yourself. You reach in with your finger, and dig out a huge gold nugget.

Colin:
It takes some effort, but you manage to pull the coin out of the wall...that's funny. The coin is attached to a rope...attached to the wall...................................CRAP. When you pull the coin, a trapdoor emerges beneath you. Fortunately you're standing flat up against the wall, so you haven't fallen yet, but if you don't figure out how to escape you'll fall!

"Oh shi-" Cheater hugged the cave wall for dear life. Cheater moved very carefully but the small footing gave way. Cheater fell.

After successfully Pickpocketing myself, something that really shouldn't be possible in ANY universe, I take the Gold Nugget from myself and head East hoping I'll find something else to Pickpocket, maybe I'll bump into someone who I can help by Pickpocketing.

Head East>

I wonder if I can Pickpocket the Map Coordinates...

Figuring that Rebel obviously doesn't want it if he hasn't taken it by now...

>Get Steel Axe

And without any further delay, he goes on his way.

>Go South

Colin:
I refuse to let you fall without at least TRYING to solve the puzzle. Try again.

Threadnaught:
Uh...I was just kidding about the nugget. Really, you're better off not asking questions about it.

You are in an armory. The shopkeeper steps up to the counter and introduces you to the shop. "Take a look around...we have REAL weapons here!"
Items available at this shop:
Bronze Dagger (25 bronze) Taste the wrath of my...butter knife?
Bronze shield (60 silver) Now we're talking.
Bronze sword (80 silver) The basic sword.
Bronze bow (20 sliver) Does it really matter what your bow is made of?
Bronze arrows (10 silver for 10) Where's all the bronze coming from?!
Bronze Staff (10 silver) It's slightly magical.
Bronze spear (15 silver) I guess you could play pole vault with it.
Game manual (9999 silver) The enclosed instruction book.

Kai Hitaro
You are in a nondescript village in the middle of a nondescript country. Like many nondescript villages in nondescript countries, there isn't much to see or do here, but perhaps you'll find something interesting to do. The road leads south, outside the village. You can go north, south, east or west.

The phone booth appears to be operable now.
There is a guard guarding the phone booth.

Kai decided that he wants to see how operable the phone booth really was.

>Enter Phone Booth

Kai Hitaro:
Yup...this is definitely a phone booth.

Calls cost 1 silver.

Kai popped in a silver coin and dialed a phone number, accidentally dialing a wrong last number, but not giving a damn anyways.

>Call 79-673-3474

Kai Hitaro:
You hear a voice on the other side. Not the other side of the call. Just...the other side.

"Hi, you've reached the secret shop! Sorry, we don't serve meta-cheaters. Get a Swordfish card and show it to the general store clerk!...Cheater."

Click.