Ephraim's Improvised Interactive Fiction Thread

Were you expecting a well-thought out thread when you clicked that link? ABANDON ALL NOTIONS, because it's time for an interactive fiction thread!

What's interactive fiction, you ask? It's when I'm all "You are in a room. You can see a flask here. What will you do?" Then you say something like "Go north" or "Get item" or "Sit down" and things like that. Basically you can take any action you want. Any action I let you take, that is.

All you have to do to start playing is post the name you would like to be known by and your favorite color. Then I drop you somewhere on my imaginary planet in my imaginary world. You might meet other players along the way. You might run into monsters or something. Or you might die. I'm making this up as I go, after all.

Note there are no turns in this game. Actions posted by players resolve in the order they were posted. So don't come crying to me when one of the other players decides to talk to you and you weren't there to respond because you were on vacation or something. But don't worry...if you lose all your hearts and DIE, you'll just pop back again with no loss to your progress.

Oh yeah, you're probably wondering how combat works. I am making this up as I go, after all. It's simple. Each weapon has weight, might, accuracy, and critirate. The lightest weapon attacks first. Might is the damage it inflicts. Accuracy is the chance of hitting the target. Critirate is the chance of inflicting double damage.

Player list:

Quote :

Rebel Yell
Life:
Inventory: Plain clothes (worn), 3 silver coins, wooden sword, wooden shield
Coordinates: X: 43 Y: 66 Z: 1

Colin
Life:
Inventory: Plain clothes (worn), 6 silver coins, brazier (lit), 4 matches, Swordfish card, Vulnerary, bronze dagger
Coordinates: X: 46 Y: 63 Z: 1

NARFNra (Deaths: 1)
Life:
Inventory: Green clothes (worn)
Coordinates: X: 48 Y: 66 Z: 1

Threadnaught
Life:
Inventory: Plain clothes (worn), herb, Swordfish card, gold coin, Lockpick, silver coin
Coordinates: X: 46 Y: 63 Z: 1

Kai Hitaro
Life:
Inventory: Purple clothes (worn), Wooden sword, 202 silver coins, wooden shield, steel axe
Coordinates: X: 43 Y: 71 Z: 1

Ether (Deaths: 1)
Life:
Inventory: Plain clothes (worn), wooden axe
Coordinates: X: 43 Y: 70 Z: 1

Kaxi
Life:
Inventory: Black clothes (worn), 28 silver, 45 bronze
Coordinates: X: 42 Y: 68 Z: 1

Darkly
Life:
Inventory: Black clothes (worn)
Coordinates: X: 45 Y: 67 Z: 1

Graphics, shmaphics...for sooth!

Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! I want to be your first victim/player! 8D

You are Rebel Yell. I certainly hope that's just a nickname and not what your mother calls you. You have 3 hearts remaining. You are currently wearing plain clothes. You also have an inventory. You don't know quite how it works, but you can store infinite amounts of junk in it, and it weighs less than a pound. Oddly enough, it's not really visible on your person to anyone besides you. Very odd.

You are standing on a dirt road in the middle of a nondescript plain somewhere. The road goes north and south. You can go north, south, east, or west.

There is a roadsign here.

> _

Dusting off his trusty white cloth tunic and brushing the grass from his green pants, Rebel had woken up from his nap and somehow ended up here in, well, wherever "here" was. Scratching at his head and thinking as to how he wound up in these fields, he wandered and paced about in a small circle to try and get a bearing of his surroundings. He then spotted a road sign and examined it, all it said was "North ->" and "South <-" which Rebel didn't find useful at all...

Sighing, Rebel kicked the road sign with his barefoot and wandered off that way (->) to the North. Perhaps something more interesting than this dirt road and plains awaited him to the North.

You are in a nondescript village in the middle of a nondescript country. Like many nondescript villages in nondescript countries, there isn't much to see or do here, but perhaps you'll find something interesting to do. The road leads south, outside the village.

You can go north, south, east or west.

There is a phone booth here.
There is a bronze coin on the ground.

> _

Rebel looks around at the boring village around him, nothing but boring buildings and boring people, such a bore! "Wow, this was even more dull than that sign post and dirt road I was at moments ago." he mumbled to himself. He hung his head and stared at the ground below to spot something shiny and round in the dirt. "Hey! A bronze coin!" He yelled with glee, picking it up and adding some amount to his wealth. About to go his way from this place, he spotted a phone booth and with coin in hand had the sudden urge to prank call someone! So to the booth to spend his piece! Or so he hoped...

Unfortunately, to everyone's disappointment (including mine ) the phone booth only takes silver coins (which are worth 5 bronze coins.) You realize that the phone booth mocks you with its very presence.

Oh well. You get to keep the coin you got.

> _

Rebel then punched the crap out of the phone inside the booth for mocking him!

Real adventurers use violence all the time. But do you really think you -- YOU -- belong in THEIR company? What have you gotten done so far? Have you checked your pants lately? One. Bronze. Coin.

Regardless of my banter, punching out the phone booth opens a hole to a small chamber that was holding all the money wasted on one-minute calls.

100 silver coins fall out of the phone booth (which is now inoperable. Asshole.)

> _

Now donning the title "Asshole", Asshole bent down and scooped up every last silver coin that spilled out of the broken phone and even some that were still lodged inside. A grand total of 104 silver coins for Asshole! With his new found currency, Asshole stepped out of the booth and headed straight for the weapon's shop in town. In pursuit of a sword and shield, or if he can't afford that, something cheaper perhaps. Either way, Asshole (Formerly known as Rebel before he was self-given the title) was pleased with himself!

Let's assume you went north.

You are in the center of the village. Here lies a water fountain which villagers carelessly toss their money into, hoping that their wishes will be granted somehow. Sort of pointless when they could spend it on the general store to the west, or the armory to the east. The north road leads to the mayor's house, which is closed off to Assholes such as yourself.

You can go south, east, or west.

There is a water fountain here, as stated already.
There is a young girl here.
There is a man here.

Asshole looked around the pretty fountain, touting and calculating all the directions to go, when he sees a girl at the fountain. Feeling a bit flirtatious, he goes in to try his "charm" on her. Asshole walks casually up to her, dressed in his country bumpkin clothing of a cloth tunic, green cloth pants, and of course no footwear, and says "Hello." to her.

The girl has an unusual build. Her eyes are red, her hair is blue (who doesn't like blue hair?) and she's quite cute, with her pink dress, her stuffed teddy bear, her dreams of a world ruled by giant stuffed animals................okay, you know what? She's too cute. Standing near her for too long could result in unfortunate consequences.

Unfortunately, the girl takes the opportunity to introduce herself. Cover your ears, everyone.

"HI MY NAME IS MARY SUE WHAT'S YOUR NAME I LIKE ANIMALS THEY ARE SO CUTE!!!"

You feel as though you're being watched intently. But by who?

Upon hearing her name "Mary Sue", Asshole took a little step back and stood there with his mouth open. Obviously he didn't expect her to be like this, so introduced himself to her after her, "My name is Rebel, Rebel Yell." Asshole managed to say over the strong desire to call himself Asshole on a whim. After examining the lass from head-to-toe and finding nothing but the desire to die from the diabetes this girl could produce without any physical contact due to her extreme cuteness, he just smiled and slowly inched away from her, trying to get to the Armory. Suddenly however, he had the feeling that he was being watched, which didn't help his already creeped-out feelings from Mary here.

As you walk away, your nervousness makes you drop a silver coin.

You are in an armory. The shopkeeper steps up to the counter and introduces you to the shop. "Just pick what you want...I'll handle the coins."

Items available at this shop:
Wooden Stick (1 bronze) Don't even think about it.
Wooden shield (40 silver) You expect to block something with this?
Wooden sword (60 silver) Cheapest sword ever. Bleh
Wooden bow (20 sliver) Made by a small child in art class.
Wooden arrows (5 silver for 10) Geez, no wonder there are no trees in the village.
Wooden Staff (5 silver) A slightly bigger stick.
Wooden spear (10 silver) I guess you could play pole vault with it.
Game manual (9999 silver) The enclosed instruction book.

Looking at all the pieces of firewood, Asshole scrounged out enough coins to purchase the basic wooden shield and sword. Kind of splintery and cheap, but it would have to do. Paying the man 100 pieces of silver for the weapons, and keeping only 3 pieces of it, plus 1 bronze coin, Asshole holstered his equipment and walked back over to where Mary Sue was, hoping this time to make a more better impression, if she was still there that is.

(May I join?)

Sure you can join...at your own risk. >

Colin:
You are Colin. Finally, someone with a normal name. You've always wondered if anyone else has a normal name, but then again, what IS normal, anyways? I mean, planes can't even fly over pipes. That certainly isn't normal. Anyways, you have 3 hearts remaining. You are currently wearing plain clothes. Also, you have an inventory.

You are in a house. Not a particularly interesting house. It has a bed, a desk, and a cabinet for clothes. The door leading outside is to the west. Or at least it would lead outside if it weren't locked. It would certainly have trouble leading outside if it were locked. Which it is.

There is a box here.
There is a cabinet here.
There is a book on the desk.

Rebel Yell:
You are in the center of the village. Here lies a water fountain which villagers carelessly toss their money into, hoping that their wishes will be granted somehow. Sort of pointless when they could spend it on the general store to the west, or the armory to the east. The north road leads to the mayor's house, which is closed off to Assholes such as yourself.

There is a fountain here, duh.

The young girl and man seem to have left...thankfully. Let's just hope Mary Sue is considering being less creepy.

Colin woke up from a power nap and proceeded to leave his house. Being the forgetful ditz that he is, he forgot that he locked his own house door. Colin entered a state of panic and rams into the door. Lo-and behold...the door didn't budge. Colin fell backwards and landed hard on his head and back. Thinking rationally for once, Colin got back up and walked to the box and opened it.

Colin:
The box is now open. Good thing it wasn't locked. Inside the box is a door key. It can only be used once, but it can permanently open any locked door. Why can it only be used once? I don't know, it's made out of glass or something. There are also 2 silver coins in the box.

Colin retreives the key and the coins from the box. Before leaving, he grabs the book off the table. As Colin unlocks the door, the key snaps in half. Thankfully the door is unlocked. Colin left the house.

Colin:
You are in an area with several trees in it. There are houses to the west and east, but the west house is locked. You can also go north. The treeline to the south is too thick to cross.

There is a tree here (well DUH but one in particular stands out)
There is a small hole in the ground.

With nowhere to go but north, Colin heads north. He takes the book out and began to read it.

Colin:
The book is entitled, "Adventuring For Dummies, Vol. 1".

Chapter 1: Ye basics
If thou wish is to be an adventurer, thou must learn the basics. Foremost, thou must talk like an adventurer, as this book is doing so now. Thou must also discover what the adventure is about, what thy quest entails, and what thou must do to complete it. Thou may do so by visiting ye village or ye castle. Thy quest may entail entering ye dungeon, which contains ye monsters, ye traps, and other horrifics of that kind. Therefore, thou must defeat weaker monsters found in ye forest to gain experience and coins. Ye monsters appear randomly and cannot be seen before they strike. They also carry coins for reasons unknown to man. Remember, real adventurers use ye olde butcherede Englishe and do not inquire as to what purpose their purpose is what it is.

You walk north after indulging in the incomprehensible language of this book.

You are in a clearing in the forest with a lake in the center. You can go north, south, east, or west.

There is a lake here. (OF COURSE!)
There is a sign here.

Colin slamed the book shut. "Like hell I'll speak in whatever language that was in." Colin said to himself. Colin ignored the sign and walked to the lake. Before entering the lake, Colin rolled up his pants to avoid them getting wet. He placed the book down about 10ft away from the shore. He walked into the lake and stoped as soon as the water reaches up to his knees. He bends down and picks up several rocks and began to skip them...or that is what he is trying to do. He was never good at skipping rocks. He would be lucky to get 4 skips in a row. As he was skipping, he realized he was holding three bronze coins. He dropped the remaining rocks, pockets the coins, and began to search the lakebed for more coins (he's still knee deep in water).

Colin:
Let's not get ahead of ourselves. When you don't know if something is somewhere, you ask if something is somewhere, got it? You don't want people to think you're CHEATING, do you?

You drop the book. I guess it was useless anyways. But it's still there.

You search around the area of the lake you're standing in, and find 4 SILVER coins. You then feel something like a ball of water hit you in the back of the head and a voice cry, "Don't steal my coins, asshole!" (-1 Heart) But when you look behind you, you see naught but a lake in a clearing.

Looking around the fountain and center of the village, Asshole was disheartened to find that Mary Sue and that one guy he didn't talk to had left. He felt like an idiot not inviting her to come along on the adventure that he would soon be having! (With any luck.) Taking a seat on the edge of the babbling fountain, Asshole watched the young and old of the boring village toss coins into the fountain behind him, making wishes of some sort. Bored and hoping something mildly interesting would happen, Rebel shifted through his pocket, pulled out his measly bronze coin, and flicked it into the fountain. It hit dead center where the spout of water was being shot out at; taking this as a lucky sign, Asshole wished for a two-for-one deal. "I wish the title of Asshole would be revoked and that something mildly interesting would happen right now." he whispered.

Rebel Yell:
The odds of something interesting happening are...let's see...take your charisma, add double your luck, half your HP, and multiply it all by your MP...uh...a bajillion to one against.

Luckily for you, bajillion is not a number.

You hear yelling and screaming coming from the south. It sounds vaguely like, "It's the mountain thieves! They've come for our treasure!" It seems bandits have approached from the south to plunder the village for its non-existant treasure. What are you going to do?

Asshole stared dumbstruck at the fountain as he heard the commotion. "Holy crap! This thing really DOES work!" he said in disbelief. After patting himself down from head-to-toe and checking if he was dreaming or not, Asshole decided to assess the situation by taking point behind some cover and waiting for these thieves to show so he could get a clear view of what he was up against and how many. He would have to use his intellect (Hahaha!) for this battle if there was many of them.

Rebel Yell
"That's right, peasant scum! Run away like cowards!" is what you hear as you cower behind the water fountain. I suppose you want your title to be "Chicken" now.

Three muscular, ugly, mostly naked men in TIGHTS (do NOT picture that) approach the center of town. "Alright, boys," grunts the biggest and the ugliest of the three, "Do like it says in the book, Adventuring For Dummies - steal EVERYTHING that isn't nailed down, and if it IS nailed down, BREAK THE FLOORBOARDS!" These guys are hardcore. And they're carrying HUGE Steel axes.

"Oy, boss," remarks one of the other bandits, "It looks like someone beat us to the phone booth...it was already smashed open, and had only 23 silver coins in it!"

"Ha...that's chump change," replies the fat guy (who you assume is their boss), "This here fountain's got loads of cash! Idiot peasants toss their only coins in it, thinkin' their wishes'll be granted! Retards! Smash up the fountain and take all the coins! Then we rob the shops!"

Just so you know, if they smash the fountain, you might get hit in the process. Chicken.

Oh yeah, you're probably wondering how combat works. I am making this up as I go, after all. It's simple. Each weapon has weight, might, accuracy, and critirate. The lightest weapon attacks first. Might is the damage it inflicts. Accuracy is the chance of hitting the target. Critirate is the chance of inflicting double damage.

I'm a nice guy, so here's the stats of the weapons seen thus far:

Wooden sword: 5 weight, 4 might, 100 accuracy, 0 critirate
Steel axe: 9 weight, 6 might, 60 accuracy, 0 critirate

"They say fortune rewards the bold..." Chicken had told himself. Crawling out of hiding and stealthily backwards from his hunched position behind the fountain, Chicken stood up and made a mad dash for the fountain! Using it as leverage, Chicken spring boarded into the air, flying past the jets of water and taking out his wooden weaponry! He yelled fiercely as he began to descend towards the fatty bandit in the middle of which Chicken assumes is the boss. Readying his sword, he attempts to strike the bandit out cold with a smack to the noggin!

Rebel Yell
You hit the bandit square in the forehead. After all, you can't exactly miss with a 100% accurate weapon.

"OW! Why you little RUNT! You'll pay for that!" the boss guy steps back a little and lets his two minions do the tough part. Isn't he brave and scary and awesome? I thought not.

The two lesser bandits swing their axes at you in unison. Of course the problem with swinging in unison is that it counts as a single attack, which you easily dodge. The two axes get stuck into the ground where your head would've been if I hadn't rolled a high number. Or it could have something to do with the fact that the wooden shield reduced their accuracy by 10. Yeah, that's it.

So let's recap.

Bandit A - 2/2 hearts, Steel axe
Bandit B - 2/2 hearts, Steel axe
Boss - 2/3 hearts, Steel axe

What will you do now?

Colin failed to notice the object heading for him. He fell over and the bronze coins fell out of his pockets. Normally when one gets hit in the head, they see stars. However, Colin saw his own name flash before him. He noticed his name was changing. When it was done, the word "Cheater" had formed. Not happy about the change, Cheater got back up. He noticed the 4 silver coins, but before could grab them, he heard the voice yell out. Cheater looked back at the coins. He nabbed all four and bolted out of the lake. In the prosses, Cheater grabbed his book and then took cover behind the sign and waited to see if something happened.

Colin:
You notice that the sign reads, "Lake of Wishing - because we couldn't afford a well. Toss in a coin and good things happen to you. P. S. Don't f***ing steal my coins." That last sentence appears scribbled on as an afterthought.

Cheater thought back to his adventuring book. If he could get money from monsters, he would need armor and a weapon. Cheater grabbed one silver coin and tossed it into the lake. As it fell, Cheater said "I wish for a spear and a full set of armor."

Colin:
You hear a voice that says, "Well, I'm certainly not going to give YOU anything for stealing MY coins." You did technically steal 3 coins.

I join... as a demonic ameoba.... name... Muddy Crystal... favorite color... GREEEEN

NARFNra:
You are Muddy Crystal...um, okay. You are wearing Green clothes. You have an inventory. Remember, your inventory is green, just like your clothes, so no one else but you can see it. In fact, you can't really see it either, but you can see inside it somehow...

You are in a cave. Er, yeah, that's all there is to this cave, really. The exit is south. You can also go north.

There is a box here.
There is a desk here.
There is a lit lantern on the desk.

Threadnaught here, can I join?

Been asking on Skype.

Threadnaught:
You are Threadnaught. Hm. Perhaps I should've asked for your favorite colour instead of your favorite color. Oh well. You are wearing plain clothes. You also have a thing that you don't know what it is which your aunt gave you. Let's call it an inventory. You also have no tea. Then again, there are a lot of things you don't have. Like money.

You are standing in front of a drawbridge connected to the northern wall by a pair of chains. When the drawbridge is down (Which it is) you can go north into the castle town. When it's up, you're out of luck.

There is a sign here.

I refuse to read the sign because it may be a death note that'll magically kill me some time later and I haven't yet got the necessary counter, I head across the rickity drawbridge and into the castle town, the sight ahead irritates me...

Threadnaught:
You are in a town that sits in front of a castle. Not that it provides any defensive bonus for the castle, but meh. The exit is to the south. There is a general store to the west and an armory to the east. The center of town is to the north.

There is a phone booth here.
There is a bronze coin on the ground.
There are two castle guards here.

Royally annoyed, Cheater grabbed his book and chucked it as hard as he could into the lake. It made a loud splash when it hit the lake's surface. "I WISH YOU GO TO-" Cheater cut himself off before he finished his sentence. Cheater didn't know if the lake accepted books. Not wanting to over stay his welcome, Cheater walked eastward.

Utilizing his totally not made up amoebic powers, NARF slides over and takes the lanterns off the desk. "...Where'd this cover-thingy come from? Doesn't fit me, but whatever. I might start a trend .". Carefully, I tap on the wall the desk is located next to, before proceeding to picking up the box. Then, I stare anxiously at the other wall... Could it be.... a secret passage O.o? As such, I slide over and tap it with a pseudopod.

Colin:
You are in an area with several trees in it. There is a house to the south. A cave lies to the north. You can also go west.

There is a tree here that stands out for some reason.
There is hole in the ground.

A spider approaches you. No, it's not a giant spider...but wouldn't THAT be something. Anyways, it might be best to deal with it somehow.

NARFNra
So which way did you go, north, or south? It's kind of important to indicate your direction.

Cheater looks down at the spider. "F***! I shouldn't have thrown the book away." Cheater ignored the spider and walked up to the house and knocked on the front door.

Colin:
A voice in your tiny head reminds you, "You were just in that house, smart guy."

(Time out for a moment. Ephraim, is this the same house I started out in? If so, check your directions. When I left the house, I could only go north. You then aloud me to go in any of the four direction back at the lake and I chose to go east. I shouldn't be back at my house if I chose east. Unless there is something I am missing.)

This probably isn't obvious at first, but think about this: The house you started at had only one exit: West. So you went west. Then you went north. Then you went east. Then I said this:

Quote :

You are in an area with several trees in it. There is a house to the south. A cave lies to the north. You can also go west.

You knocked on the door of the house, which is to the south. So yes, you knocked on the door of the house you started at. Okay, I admit, there are some...brain teasers here.

We apologize for this inconvenience and will allow you to take back the action of going south to knock on the door.

(It's ok. I just assume that the house was not it's own area.)

Cheater headed to the cave.